Michel Fortin
"Is Michel Fortin Making These Mistakes With His Online Copy?..."
Here's my rewrite for Michel's excellent ContextCASH product...
http://freelanceonlinecopywriter.com/ContextCASH.htm
You can compare it to Michel's copy at...
http://www.contextcash.com/sales.htm
Now I'm going to go through why I made certain changes point by point because many of my observations challenge current online marketing norms.
But before I do that I should point out that Michel wrote the original copy for this product in less than 4 hours and I don't have the insights or reasons that Michel is making some of his points.
There are often very good reasons for explaining some key points in copy - completely removed from increasing sales response.
Also it is just SO hard to be objective about your own copy.
My girlfriend - who was a real live ROCKET SCIENTIST for Boeing - is always telling me I write FAR better copy for my clients than I do for my own products...
And it's true.
If it's true for me you can bet it's true for Michel.
One last warning...
I will be deleting these comments within a few days (possibly a few hours) because they reveal a whole PILE of money making copy secrets that I can SELL.
Just tip #2 alone can help you create THOUSANDS of dollars more value from your sales page with the change of just a few words...
Read this now or be forced to pony up $100 or MORE to read it later...
For what it's worth here are my insights moving through the copy from start to finish...
1. The offer...
Most of the work I do is actually improving the offer and often the product offered especially with information products my specialty.
Online your offer is everything.
Fortunately Michel's product concept is EXCELLENT and worth a BOATLOAD of cash to his prospects.
A real no-brainer.
So the only key was to make sure the headline communicated the offer - easy work...
2. The browser title.
Here's a secret I really argued with myself over sharing because to my clients it's worth more in free search engine traffic over a year than what they'll pay me for the copy.
The browser title is "profit from Google adwords alternative".
If it was my site I would have made it "profit from Google adwords".
Why?
If you find a highly targeted search term your prospects are looking for that has a small amount of traffic and not too much competition...
And you put that search term as the title in a sales page with a lot of good back links...
That can bring you 10-60 hits a day from the search engines by getting that term ranked number 1-5 on Google and Yahoo.
3,500 to 21,000 highly targeted hits a year just from choosing the right title.
An extra $350 to $21,000 value every year to my clients with one little tweak.
How do you choose the right title?
You know I'm not going to tell you that.
There's a limit to what I'm giving you free but I do this automatically for my lucky clients and JV partners...
But at least you now understand the value of finding a good keyword to use in the title and if you've studied search engine optimization as every good online copywriter should then I'm sure you'll work it out.
3. The preheadline...
A preheadline with some kind of free offer usually increases read through online.
Given a bit more thought you could improve this prehead.
The obvious improvement would be to give a dollar value to the free bonuses Michel is offering and put that into the prehead.
4. The headline...
Can be scanned and read VERY easily.
Online headlines seem to be getting longer and longer.
My personal opinion is in line with Ted Nicholas.
Once you get past around 17 words your major headline is hard to read.
You can have a longer headline - just break it up.
5. The lead in...
I think Michel's original wedding idea is fascinating but in my opinion he's making a fundamental error in the writing.
Why should I care about his wedding or his wonderful fiancee?
He needs to give me a reason to care - THEN I'll read his story.
6. Dear Friend...
NEVER in my copy!!!!!
NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!
Why?
My apologies to Gary Halbert but has anyone ever split test "Dear Friend" online.
It makes sense in a printed letter because it makes the letter look like any other letter you'd get from friend or family in the mail.
But online???
Advertising is salesmanship in print.
I've sold a STACK of products and services one on one in the real world.
I've met some of the greatest salespeople alive.
Not one of them ever introduced themselves by saying "Dear Friend".
What they would do is ask questions about their prospect and get to know them.
Then eventually their prospect would ask about them.
Now we don't have the luxury of asking our prospects questions.
So here's the alternative...
7. Hi I'm Michel Fortin,
Now my estimate is that you now have two sentences to tell me exactly who you are and WHY I should invest my precious time reading anything you have to tell me.
Which is exactly what I do in the next two sentences.
"For years I've been the "secret weapon" behind the greatest online marketers alive like Frank Kern, Shawn Casey, Armand Morin, Yanik Silver, Kirt Christensen, Simon Grabowski and many, many others.
"One sales page I wrote for internet marketing genius John Reese brought in over 1 MILLION dollars in sales in under 48 hours."
This is designed to get the attention of people who want to make money online - obviously.
I think the copy actually took a million dollars in less than 24 hours but that's neither here nor there.
People are very sceptical online and they want to know you have some credibility AND...
You can give them a solution to their unique problem...
"Being an internet insider I've seen and tried just about every "new", "secret", "revolutionary" piece of internet marketing software you can imagine (and quite a few you could never imagine.)
"But I'm thrilled almost beyond words about a stunning breakthrough technology I've helped develop that you can have up and running on your website just minutes from now...
8. Then I give you a reason to care about the "wedding".
I introduce the other developer of the software that's going to fill your pockets with cash.
And introduce the wedding twist.
"An idea that perfectly "marries" two income-boosting Internet marketing concepts..."
"This Is A Marriage
Made In Cash Flow Heaven..."etc.
9. I personally don't like the factoids the way they're formatted.
If the facts are important enough for my reader to read then they should be part of good, flowing copy.
Just my opinion though.
10. I used the whole "people throwing credit cards" and "crushed in the rush" later in the copy as you'll see.
11. Or to borrow a somewhat hackneyed expression, it's "contextual advertising on steroids."
If it's a hackneyed expression don't use it!
Actually I thought is was a pretty good line but changed it to...
"It's like "Google AdSense" and "Clickbank"
on steroids!"...
Since our ideal prospect will almost certainly be familiar with these two services or at least will have some idea what they are.
(Also I've just explained what they are in the preceding copy).
I also tried to simplify the description of what ContextCASH does.
12. "Even more important if you're worried about your Google rankings and search engine optimization..."
Think about this for a minute.
If you have content on your site it's because you're trying to attract the search engines (especially Google.)
You don't want any newfangled software to SCREW up your search engine rankings or worse still get you banned altogether.
So we answer this objection with a bold lead in so people will see it when they skim...
AND we finish the section with the amazing piece of information that ...
"if you have outbound affiliate links now and you use the ContextCASH system as an alternative method to create those links which could increase your search engine rankings!
The vast majority of the prospects for this product are search engine sensitive and for some this USP (not identified in Michel's original copy clearly) could be enough reason to buy the product.
13. The ContextCASH screen shots...
Having 10 screen shots and detailed instructions of all the features makes this product seem WAY too complex.
In my opinion these features should be rewritten as benefits on a completely different FAQ page.
I've cut down the description to the three simple steps you need to take to actually use this software to make money.
(I also explain that the software is used online which leads in to the reason you have to subscribe).
The objective here is to make this whole process look so brain-dead easy (which it really is) that people will think a chimpanzee on a laptop could make this software work.
14. Click here to claim your subscription to contextCASH now...
By this stage they know enough to buy and many will be motivated to buy.
Also these frequent links to the order page make it far easier for someone revisiting the sales page to give you their CASH.
15. Comparing apples to oranges with the price...
Three comparisons of what you'd expect to pay for this product...always a great way to increase perceived value and a great way to introduce the actual price...
"If you tried to create your own ContextCASH first you'd have to pay for developing the software.
"Then you'd have to hire your own employee like Sarah to continually survey the marketplace or spend hours doing this laborious chore yourself.
"You'd be very lucky if you had much change left from $20,000 and remember you have to keep paying Sarah week in and week out.
"But we're not going to charge you $20,000.
We're not even going to charge you $1,000.
"If you subscribe to the ContextCASH service right now you can claim the never to be repeated mind boggling bargain of just $97...
"Then you pay $37 for each subsequent month for as long as you choose to remain active.
"You have NO long-term commitments
"You can cancel anytime." (Vital risk-reversal statement for subscriptions)
"Think about it...$37 a month is peanuts...
"Just one modest Clickbank sale a month, and the software pays for itself."
16. The reason why...
"Why are we willing to put our own money on the line to give you this amazing risk free offer?
"We know you'll be so thrilled with your cash profits from ContextCASH you'll be with us for a long, long time."
This is believable and the truth.
17. The bonuses to increase the value of the offer...
These bonuses would have an even higher perceived value if they were each given a dollar value.
18. The reason to ACT NOW...
In the P.S. I give the story about Michel and Sylvie being crushed with the rush of new customers and people throwing their credit cards on stage.
Then explain the number of subscribers is limited because the system can't be fully automated.
AND how you could miss out if you don't act NOW...
All true and a very believable reasons not to put off your decision if you're a prospect.
Reasons to act now MUST be believable.
19. Testimonials...
The BEST place for testimonials is right after a bullet that explains a benefit...
Then you put a testimonial where someone got the benefit you promise in the bullet.
With this copy we didn't have testimonials but we did have feedback.
This is another way of putting testimonials in your copy...at the end.
Just be sure to include an order now link after every couple of testimonials so your prospect doesn't have to search for it.
Anyway that's my two cents worth.
The rewrite again is at...
http://freelanceonlinecopywriter.com/ContextCASH.htm
And Michel's copy is at...
http://www.contextcash.com/sales.htm
This really is a great product and you'd be NUTS not to subscribe if you have any use for it at all.
Kindest regards,
Andrew Cavanagh
More FREE High Value Online Copywriting Secrets Than Any Other Site On Earth. Andrew Cavanagh's Online Copywriting Blog
Products From Andrew Cavanagh:
Offers Unleashed: How Many Of These 17
Profit Multiplying Offers Is Your Website Missing?
Make $1,500 Today: This 48 Page Report Reveals
The Simple Step By Step System For Selling Your Online
Marketing Skills To Businesses Right In Your City
$500 In 24 Hours Without A Website: From Offline Store Front
To Online Gold. Charge Local Businesses To Explode Their Sales From Walk Past Traffic And Turn That Traffic Into Long Term Online Income (Perfect For Copywriters)
Online Gold For The Offline Business: The Definitive
eBook On How To Use Online Marketing To Power Up
The Profits In Any Brick And Mortar Business
Make My Website Sell: FREE 11 Minute Video
Insider Secrets Of Web Design That Sells
$7 Secrets: How I Made Over $3,000 In Just 7 Days
By Selling A 30 Page Report For $7
Make Money Copywriting: 34 Insider Secrets To Making Money
As A Copywriter And How To Land Your First Copywriting Client
Here's my rewrite for Michel's excellent ContextCASH product...
http://freelanceonlinecopywriter.com/ContextCASH.htm
You can compare it to Michel's copy at...
http://www.contextcash.com/sales.htm
Now I'm going to go through why I made certain changes point by point because many of my observations challenge current online marketing norms.
But before I do that I should point out that Michel wrote the original copy for this product in less than 4 hours and I don't have the insights or reasons that Michel is making some of his points.
There are often very good reasons for explaining some key points in copy - completely removed from increasing sales response.
Also it is just SO hard to be objective about your own copy.
My girlfriend - who was a real live ROCKET SCIENTIST for Boeing - is always telling me I write FAR better copy for my clients than I do for my own products...
And it's true.
If it's true for me you can bet it's true for Michel.
One last warning...
I will be deleting these comments within a few days (possibly a few hours) because they reveal a whole PILE of money making copy secrets that I can SELL.
Just tip #2 alone can help you create THOUSANDS of dollars more value from your sales page with the change of just a few words...
Read this now or be forced to pony up $100 or MORE to read it later...
For what it's worth here are my insights moving through the copy from start to finish...
1. The offer...
Most of the work I do is actually improving the offer and often the product offered especially with information products my specialty.
Online your offer is everything.
Fortunately Michel's product concept is EXCELLENT and worth a BOATLOAD of cash to his prospects.
A real no-brainer.
So the only key was to make sure the headline communicated the offer - easy work...
2. The browser title.
Here's a secret I really argued with myself over sharing because to my clients it's worth more in free search engine traffic over a year than what they'll pay me for the copy.
The browser title is "profit from Google adwords alternative".
If it was my site I would have made it "profit from Google adwords".
Why?
If you find a highly targeted search term your prospects are looking for that has a small amount of traffic and not too much competition...
And you put that search term as the title in a sales page with a lot of good back links...
That can bring you 10-60 hits a day from the search engines by getting that term ranked number 1-5 on Google and Yahoo.
3,500 to 21,000 highly targeted hits a year just from choosing the right title.
An extra $350 to $21,000 value every year to my clients with one little tweak.
How do you choose the right title?
You know I'm not going to tell you that.
There's a limit to what I'm giving you free but I do this automatically for my lucky clients and JV partners...
But at least you now understand the value of finding a good keyword to use in the title and if you've studied search engine optimization as every good online copywriter should then I'm sure you'll work it out.
3. The preheadline...
A preheadline with some kind of free offer usually increases read through online.
Given a bit more thought you could improve this prehead.
The obvious improvement would be to give a dollar value to the free bonuses Michel is offering and put that into the prehead.
4. The headline...
Can be scanned and read VERY easily.
Online headlines seem to be getting longer and longer.
My personal opinion is in line with Ted Nicholas.
Once you get past around 17 words your major headline is hard to read.
You can have a longer headline - just break it up.
5. The lead in...
I think Michel's original wedding idea is fascinating but in my opinion he's making a fundamental error in the writing.
Why should I care about his wedding or his wonderful fiancee?
He needs to give me a reason to care - THEN I'll read his story.
6. Dear Friend...
NEVER in my copy!!!!!
NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!
Why?
My apologies to Gary Halbert but has anyone ever split test "Dear Friend" online.
It makes sense in a printed letter because it makes the letter look like any other letter you'd get from friend or family in the mail.
But online???
Advertising is salesmanship in print.
I've sold a STACK of products and services one on one in the real world.
I've met some of the greatest salespeople alive.
Not one of them ever introduced themselves by saying "Dear Friend".
What they would do is ask questions about their prospect and get to know them.
Then eventually their prospect would ask about them.
Now we don't have the luxury of asking our prospects questions.
So here's the alternative...
7. Hi I'm Michel Fortin,
Now my estimate is that you now have two sentences to tell me exactly who you are and WHY I should invest my precious time reading anything you have to tell me.
Which is exactly what I do in the next two sentences.
"For years I've been the "secret weapon" behind the greatest online marketers alive like Frank Kern, Shawn Casey, Armand Morin, Yanik Silver, Kirt Christensen, Simon Grabowski and many, many others.
"One sales page I wrote for internet marketing genius John Reese brought in over 1 MILLION dollars in sales in under 48 hours."
This is designed to get the attention of people who want to make money online - obviously.
I think the copy actually took a million dollars in less than 24 hours but that's neither here nor there.
People are very sceptical online and they want to know you have some credibility AND...
You can give them a solution to their unique problem...
"Being an internet insider I've seen and tried just about every "new", "secret", "revolutionary" piece of internet marketing software you can imagine (and quite a few you could never imagine.)
"But I'm thrilled almost beyond words about a stunning breakthrough technology I've helped develop that you can have up and running on your website just minutes from now...
8. Then I give you a reason to care about the "wedding".
I introduce the other developer of the software that's going to fill your pockets with cash.
And introduce the wedding twist.
"An idea that perfectly "marries" two income-boosting Internet marketing concepts..."
"This Is A Marriage
Made In Cash Flow Heaven..."etc.
9. I personally don't like the factoids the way they're formatted.
If the facts are important enough for my reader to read then they should be part of good, flowing copy.
Just my opinion though.
10. I used the whole "people throwing credit cards" and "crushed in the rush" later in the copy as you'll see.
11. Or to borrow a somewhat hackneyed expression, it's "contextual advertising on steroids."
If it's a hackneyed expression don't use it!
Actually I thought is was a pretty good line but changed it to...
"It's like "Google AdSense" and "Clickbank"
on steroids!"...
Since our ideal prospect will almost certainly be familiar with these two services or at least will have some idea what they are.
(Also I've just explained what they are in the preceding copy).
I also tried to simplify the description of what ContextCASH does.
12. "Even more important if you're worried about your Google rankings and search engine optimization..."
Think about this for a minute.
If you have content on your site it's because you're trying to attract the search engines (especially Google.)
You don't want any newfangled software to SCREW up your search engine rankings or worse still get you banned altogether.
So we answer this objection with a bold lead in so people will see it when they skim...
AND we finish the section with the amazing piece of information that ...
"if you have outbound affiliate links now and you use the ContextCASH system as an alternative method to create those links which could increase your search engine rankings!
The vast majority of the prospects for this product are search engine sensitive and for some this USP (not identified in Michel's original copy clearly) could be enough reason to buy the product.
13. The ContextCASH screen shots...
Having 10 screen shots and detailed instructions of all the features makes this product seem WAY too complex.
In my opinion these features should be rewritten as benefits on a completely different FAQ page.
I've cut down the description to the three simple steps you need to take to actually use this software to make money.
(I also explain that the software is used online which leads in to the reason you have to subscribe).
The objective here is to make this whole process look so brain-dead easy (which it really is) that people will think a chimpanzee on a laptop could make this software work.
14. Click here to claim your subscription to contextCASH now...
By this stage they know enough to buy and many will be motivated to buy.
Also these frequent links to the order page make it far easier for someone revisiting the sales page to give you their CASH.
15. Comparing apples to oranges with the price...
Three comparisons of what you'd expect to pay for this product...always a great way to increase perceived value and a great way to introduce the actual price...
"If you tried to create your own ContextCASH first you'd have to pay for developing the software.
"Then you'd have to hire your own employee like Sarah to continually survey the marketplace or spend hours doing this laborious chore yourself.
"You'd be very lucky if you had much change left from $20,000 and remember you have to keep paying Sarah week in and week out.
"But we're not going to charge you $20,000.
We're not even going to charge you $1,000.
"If you subscribe to the ContextCASH service right now you can claim the never to be repeated mind boggling bargain of just $97...
"Then you pay $37 for each subsequent month for as long as you choose to remain active.
"You have NO long-term commitments
"You can cancel anytime." (Vital risk-reversal statement for subscriptions)
"Think about it...$37 a month is peanuts...
"Just one modest Clickbank sale a month, and the software pays for itself."
16. The reason why...
"Why are we willing to put our own money on the line to give you this amazing risk free offer?
"We know you'll be so thrilled with your cash profits from ContextCASH you'll be with us for a long, long time."
This is believable and the truth.
17. The bonuses to increase the value of the offer...
These bonuses would have an even higher perceived value if they were each given a dollar value.
18. The reason to ACT NOW...
In the P.S. I give the story about Michel and Sylvie being crushed with the rush of new customers and people throwing their credit cards on stage.
Then explain the number of subscribers is limited because the system can't be fully automated.
AND how you could miss out if you don't act NOW...
All true and a very believable reasons not to put off your decision if you're a prospect.
Reasons to act now MUST be believable.
19. Testimonials...
The BEST place for testimonials is right after a bullet that explains a benefit...
Then you put a testimonial where someone got the benefit you promise in the bullet.
With this copy we didn't have testimonials but we did have feedback.
This is another way of putting testimonials in your copy...at the end.
Just be sure to include an order now link after every couple of testimonials so your prospect doesn't have to search for it.
Anyway that's my two cents worth.
The rewrite again is at...
http://freelanceonlinecopywriter.com/ContextCASH.htm
And Michel's copy is at...
http://www.contextcash.com/sales.htm
This really is a great product and you'd be NUTS not to subscribe if you have any use for it at all.
Kindest regards,
Andrew Cavanagh
More FREE High Value Online Copywriting Secrets Than Any Other Site On Earth. Andrew Cavanagh's Online Copywriting Blog
Products From Andrew Cavanagh:
Offers Unleashed: How Many Of These 17
Profit Multiplying Offers Is Your Website Missing?
Make $1,500 Today: This 48 Page Report Reveals
The Simple Step By Step System For Selling Your Online
Marketing Skills To Businesses Right In Your City
$500 In 24 Hours Without A Website: From Offline Store Front
To Online Gold. Charge Local Businesses To Explode Their Sales From Walk Past Traffic And Turn That Traffic Into Long Term Online Income (Perfect For Copywriters)
Online Gold For The Offline Business: The Definitive
eBook On How To Use Online Marketing To Power Up
The Profits In Any Brick And Mortar Business
Make My Website Sell: FREE 11 Minute Video
Insider Secrets Of Web Design That Sells
$7 Secrets: How I Made Over $3,000 In Just 7 Days
By Selling A 30 Page Report For $7
Make Money Copywriting: 34 Insider Secrets To Making Money
As A Copywriter And How To Land Your First Copywriting Client